Parents often feel it’s their job to get their kids to do well in school. Naturally, you might get anxious about this responsibility as a parent. You might also get nervous about your kids succeeding in life—and homework often becomes the focus of that concern. But when parents feel it’s their responsibility to get their kids to achieve, they now need something from their children—they need them to do their homework and be a success. I believe this need puts you in a powerless position as a parent because your child doesn’t have to give you what you want. The battle about homework actually becomes a battle over control. Your child starts fighting to have more control over the choices in his life, while you feel that your job as a parent is to be in control of things. So you both fight harder, and it turns into a war in your home.
Over the years, I’ve talked to many parents who are in the trenches with their kids, and I’ve seen firsthand that there are many creative ways kids rebel when it comes to school work. Your child might forget to do his homework, do his homework but not hand it in, do it sloppily or carelessly, or not study properly for his test. These are just a few ways that kids try to hold onto the little control they have. When this starts happening, parents feel more and more out of control, so they punish, nag, threaten, argue, throw up their hands or over-function for their kids by doing the work for them. Now the battle is in full swing: reactivity is heightened as anxiety is elevated—and homework gets lost in the shuffle.The hard truth is that you cannot make your children do anything, let alone homework. Instead, the idea is to set limits, respect their individual choices and help motivate them to motivate themselves.
You might be thinking to yourself, “You don’t know my child. I can’t motivate him to do anything.” But you can start todo it by calming down, slowing down, and simply observing. Observe the typical family dance steps and see if you and your mate contribute to your child’s refusal, struggle and apathy. If you carry more of the worry, fear, disappointments, and concern than your child does about his work, ask yourself “What’s wrong with this picture and how did this happen?” (Remember, as long as you carry their concerns, they don’t have to.)
Guide Your Child—Don’t Try to Control Him
Many parents tell me that their children are not motivated to do their work. I believe that children are motivated—they just may not be motivated the way you’d like them to be. Here are some concrete tips to help you guide them in their work without having to nag, threaten or fight with them.
Ask yourself what worked in the past: Think about a time when your child has gotten homework done well and with no hassles. What was different? What made it work that time? Ask your child about it and believe what he says. See what works and motivates him instead of what motivates you.
Stop the nightly fights. The way you can stop fighting with your kids over homework every night is to stop fighting with them tonight. Disengage from the dance. Choose some different steps or decide not to dance at all. Let homework stay where it belongs—between the teacher and the student. Refuse to get pulled in by the school in the future. Stay focused on your job, which is to help your child do his job.
Take a break: If you feel yourself getting reactive or frustrated, take a break from helping your child with homework. Your blood pressure on the rise is a no-win for everyone. Take five or ten minutes to calm down, and let your child do the same if you feel a storm brewing.
Set the necessary structures in place: Set limits around homework time. Here are a few possibilities that I’ve found to be effective with families:
Homework is done at the same time each night.
Homework is done in a public area of your house.
If grades are failing or falling, take away screen time so your child can focus and have more time to concentrate on his work.
Make it the rule that weekend activities don’t happen until work is completed. Homework comes first. As James Lehman says, “The weekend doesn’t begin until homework is done.”
Get out of your child’s “box” and stay in your own. When you start over-focusing on your child’s work, pause and think about your own goals. What are your life goals and what “homework” do you need to get done in order to achieve those goals? Model your own persistence and perseverance to your child.
Let Your Child Make His Own Choices—and Deal with the Consequences
I recommend that within the parameters you set around schoolwork, your child is free to make his own choices. You need to back off a bit as a parent, otherwise you won’t be helping him with his responsibilities. If you take too much control over the situation, it will backfire on you by turning into a power struggle. And believe me, you don’t want a power struggle over homework. I’ve seen many kids purposely do poorly just to show their parents “who’s in charge.” I’ve also seen children who complied to ease their parents’ anxiety, but these same kids never learned to think and make choices for themselves.
I’m a big believer in natural consequences when it comes to schoolwork. Within the structure you set up, your child has some choices. He can choose to do his homework or not, and do it well and with effort or not. The logical consequences will come from the choices he makes—if he doesn’t choose to get work done, his grades will drop.
When that happens, you can ask him questions that aren’t loaded, like,
“Are you satisfied with how things are going?
“If not, what do you want to do about it?”
“How can I be helpful to you?”
The expectation is that homework is done to the best of your child’s ability. When he stops making an effort and you see his grades drop, that’s when you invite yourself in. You can say, “Now it's my job to help you do your job better. I’m going to help you set up a plan to help yourself and I will check in to make sure you’re following it.” Set up a plan with your child’s input in order to get him back on his feet. For example, the new rules might be that homework must be done in a public place in your home until he gets his grades back up. You and your child might meet with the teacher to discuss disciplinary actions should his grades continue to drop. In other words, you will help your child get back on track by putting a concrete plan in place. Anfad when you see this change, then you can step back out of it. But before that, your child is going to sit in a public space and you’re going to work on his math or history together. You’re also checking in more. Depending on the age of your child, you’re making sure that things are checked off before he goes out. You’re adding a half hour of review time for his subjects every day. And then each day after school, he’s checking with his teacher or going for some extra help. Remember, this plan is not a punishment—it’s a practical way of helping your child to do his best.
When Kids Say They Don’t Care about Bad Grades
Many parents will say that their kids just don’t care about their grades. My guess is that somewhere inside, they do care. “I don’t care” also becomes part of a power struggle. In other words, your child is saying, “I’m not going to care because you can’t make me; you don’t own my life.” The truth is, you can’t make him care. Instead, focus on what helps his behavior improve. Don’t focus on the attitude as much as what he’s actually doing.
I think it’s also important to understand that caring and motivation come from ownership. You can help your child be motivated by allowing him to own his life more. So let him own his disappointment over his grades. Don’t feel it more than he does. Let him choose what he will do or not do about his homework and face the consequences of those choices. Now he will begin to feel ownership, which may lead to caring. Let him figure out what motivates him, not have him motivated by fear of you. Help guide him but don’t prevent him from feeling the real life consequences of bad choices like not doing his work. Think of it this way: It’s better for your child to learn from those consequences at age ten by failing in school and having to go to summer school than for him to learn at age 25 by losing his job.
When Your Child Has a Learning Disability
I want to note that it’s very important that you check to see that there are no other learning issues around your child’s refusal to do homework. If he is having a difficult time doing the work or is performing below grade level expectations, he should be tested to rule out any learning disabilities or other concerns.
If there is a learning disability, your child may need more help. For example, some kids need a little more guidance; you may need to sit near your child and help a little more. You can still put structures into place depending on who your child is. Oftentimes kids with learning disabilities get way too much help and fall into the “learned helplessness” trap. Be sure you’re not over-functioning for your learning disabled child by doing his work for him or filling in answers when he is capable of thinking through them himself.
The Difference between Guidance and Over-Functioning
Your child needs guidance from you, but understand that guidance does not mean doing his spelling homework for him. Rather, it’s helping him review his words. When you cross the line into over-functioning, you are taking on your child’s work and putting his responsibilities on your shoulders. So you want to guide him by helping him edit his book report himself, helping him take the time to review before a test, or using James Lehman’s “Hurdle Help” to start him on his homework. Those can be good ways of guiding your child, but anything more than that is taking too much ownership of his work.
If your child asks for help, you can coach him. Suggest he talk to his teacher on how to be a good student, and teach him those communication skills. In other words, show him how to help himself. So you should not back off all together—it’s that middle ground that you’re looking for. That’s why I think it’s important to set up a structure; just put that electric fence around homework time. And within that structure, you expect your child to do what he has to do to be a good student.
I also tell parents to start from a place of believing in their children. Don’t keep looking at your child as a fragile creature who can’t do the work. I think we often come to the table with fear and doubt; we think if we don’t help our kids, they’re just not going to do it. But as much as you say, “I’m just trying to help you,” what your child actually hears is, “You’re a failure.” There’s an underlying message that kids pick up that is very different than what the parents intended it to be. And that message is, “You’re never enough,” and “You can’t do it.” Instead, your message should be, “I know you can do it. And I believe in you enough to let you make your own choices and deal with the consequences.”
How to Get Children to Do Homework is reprinted with permission from Empowering Parents.
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Sinking Fast at School: How to Help Your Child Stay Afloat
Is your child failing in school? Maybe he started out full of enthusiasm, but now his grades are slipping, his attitude is bad and he seems to be falling through the cracks. If your child has hit a slump midway through the school year, you are not alone. James Lehman has some advice for you today on what you can do now to get your child back on track.
Many kids lose steam by the time the middle of the school year arrives. It’s very common for children and teens to get back to school after the holidays and hit a slump. Remember, kids are kids: their attention span is short, they're impulsive and it can be difficult for them to focus. It's easy for children to lose energy, and when that happens, a kind of lethargy can set in.
If your child has a learning disability, or performance or behavior problems, this issue becomes magnified. Your child might feel as if he’s fallen into a hole and doesn’t know how to climb back out. (That hole can be caused by missed work, not understanding certain concepts at school, or social problems, among other things.) When your child is in that hole, it’s easy for him to become demoralized, act out more or withdraw emotionally. Often, he won’t ask for help even though he desperately needs it, and soon you’ll see his output start to slow down.
Although this can occur with any child, make no mistake, for kids with behavior problems or learning disabilities, this is a very serious challenge to their stability for the rest of the school year. As a parent, it’s very important for you to address the problem quickly and get your child back on track before he becomes completely derailed.
By the way, while grades usually go down in a gradual slide, if your child’s performance deteriorates suddenly, it’s important for you to realize that something major may be happening, whether it’s substance abuse, bullying, or an equally serious issue. If your child’s grades drop off suddenly, that's a signal to have him assessed by a professional.
My Child’s Attitude is Going Downhill—Along with His Grades
You should be very concerned if you notice your child’s attitude has changed for the worse along with his falling grades. When a child's attitude becomes bad, you can safely assume certain things may be going on:
There may be a problem he's not talking about.
He may be doing something that he doesn't want anyone to know about.
He may be getting deeper into trouble without help.
Again, kids cannot climb out of that hole on their own—they simply don't know how. In fact, a lot of adults don’t either; people get themselves into emotional holes all the time in life. In my opinion, the idea that everyone should be able to pull themselves up by their bootstraps is misleading. Few indeed are equipped to do that—least of all, kids.
Falling through the Cracks Academically
Sometimes kids fall through the cracks at school because they’re having a hard time academically. Suddenly, the work becomes too challenging, and their classmates seem to pull ahead while they’re still trying to understand a certain concept. Their attitude may worsen because they really can't do the work. And it's easy to fall through the cracks nowadays—and by the way, those cracks are huge—because of tightening school budgets and other major problems schools are facing.
As a parent, you really need to have a good understanding of what your child is capable of doing. Remember, we want to challenge our kids but we don't want them to simply learn how to give up. If your child truly can't do the work, then your job is to get in there and challenge the teacher and the school to give your child work at his level—or get him placed in the right class. Parents should also be aware of those subjects, like algebra, where if you miss one core concept, you may be in trouble for the rest of the school year.
Try to be as objective as possible. I urge parents to be very, very careful when trying to accurately assess their child’s abilities. There's a concept called “learned helplessness”—where people learn that if they act helpless, somebody else will do it for them. Above all, we don't want to foster that response in our kids. Truly understanding what your child’s level is can be very tricky, which is why I recommend getting some outside help when you do it.
Here are some things I recommend parents do to get their kids back on track when they’re sinking under the waves at school:
Get an Assessment
If your child’s grades have fallen suddenly, the first thing I’d suggest is to have them assessed by a professional. If a kid's grades go from an “A” to a “D,” that usually doesn't happen in isolation. There will be other signs, red flags that will tell you that something's going on. You might notice that your child has stopped doing the sports that he used to love, or that he’s hanging around with different friends, for example. Start by taking your child to his pediatrician and getting a recommendation for a professional therapist to rule out substance abuse, depression, clinical anxiety or other factors that may be affecting his performance and outlook.
Helping Your Child Manage His Schoolwork
If you’ve noticed your child’s grades are suffering, it’s critical that you put more effort into helping him manage his homework. I know it’s not always easy—everyone is tired at the end of the day, and parents work hard and want to relax, too. Sometimes your child will act as if he doesn’t want you coming into his room, but check in anyway to see how things are going. Don’t assume he understands everything on his own, even if he tells you he’s fine.
Kids need structure and supervision, and they need somebody looking in on them who will hold them accountable. If your child’s grades start sliding, don’t let him do his homework in his room by himself with the door closed and the music on. That's simply got to stop. The door stays open, the music stays off, and you should be looking in on him every fifteen minutes or so. The goal is to keep him on track.
Talk to Your Child’s Teachers
Parents should be talking to teachers about the subjects and areas where their child is having problems. Schedule a time to meet and find out what's going on in class. In my experience, teachers can often be very helpful in telling you what they’ve observed.
Tell the teacher what you see at home, and then ask what they see happening in their classroom. Some questions for you to ask are:
Has participation dropped off?
Is my child sitting with different kids? Who is he hanging out with?
Is my child just tired and bored, or is he overwhelmed by the work?
Have you seen a change in his attitude or performance? And how would you describe that change?
If your child's grades start to fall in one specific subject, find out what extra help is available from the school. He should start to focus more on that subject in the evenings at home. Hold him accountable to do a certain amount of work. And work with his teachers, guidance counselors and the school as much as possible. The better your communication is with them, the more it will help your child.
Ask “What” Questions, Not “Why” Questions When You Talk with Your Child
I think it’s a good idea to sit down and have a talk with your child when you realize he’s struggling at school. You can say, “I notice that things are going downhill and I'm wondering what's going on.” Ask “what” questions, not “why” questions. “Why” questions invite your child to make excuses—to blame someone or something for his problems. “What” questions ask your child to report the facts. So it’s not, “Why are you doing poorly at school?” it’s, “What’s going on?”
You can also tell your child what you’ve observed: “I see your grades failing, I see you being more irritable. You don't want to get out of bed in the morning. You're getting detention for silly things in school, like talking out of turn. These are the things I'm seeing and I’m wondering what's going on.” If your child denies that anything is happening, say, “What are you going to do to improve your grades?” Listen to see if he has any ideas. By the way, you should already have a plan that says, “We're going to be checking on your homework more and we want you putting more time into it.”
Make the conversation with your child functional, not emotional. Too many parents get bogged down in emotionality. Kids do better when they keep their feelings out of it. After all, their emotions are volatile: they love you, they hate you; they're happy, they're angry. So you want to keep it on a functional level and ask, “What’s getting in the way of you doing your work? What's going on? And how are you going to change it?”
Giving Your Child Rewards for School Performance
I know families who let their kids do their homework in their rooms as long as they get a “B” or above. If their grades slip, they have to do their homework at the dining room table until they bring them up again. For some kids, that means they also have to do an extra hour of homework a night, but then they’re allowed to stay up half-an-hour later so they still get some free time. That’s part of their reward for doing the work.
When my son was in high school, I would tell him if he got all “A's” and “B's” I'd give him a cool reward. If he didn’t get the grades, he wouldn’t get anything. We didn’t make a big deal out of it, and we didn’t punish him if he wasn’t able to do it.
Remember, kids need to be rewarded; they need to be motivated. As parents, we're taking and we're giving; we’re demanding but we're supporting. It's like a sandwich: on top there's the pressure for your child to perform, and underneath there's support with rewards and extra help.
I also want to say that while rewards are helpful, the absence of rewards is not causing the problem. Rewards don't change behavior: learning problem-solving skills and being held accountable changes behavior. Having a concrete plan and sticking to it changes behavior.
When we talk about grades sliding and kids falling behind at school, it sounds simple but it’s a very complex thing—and something that parents struggle with every day all over the country. My wife and I wrestled with this issue as parents, and we both had Masters Degrees in Social Work and worked with kids for a living. My point is that it’s natural to wonder, “Are the demands too much for my child? Are they enough for him? Or are we taking it too easy on him?” In my opinion, parents who make it a priority to get involved—and then take steps to help their child—are doing them a huge service.
A final word: Kids are resilient. If you help your child and he’s able to get back on track and do the work, in all likelihood he’ll bounce back at school. I believe kids have strengths that aren't easily observable unless you know how to look for them. As a parent, you need to find that resiliency, find that strength in your child, and work with it.
Sinking Fast at School: How to Help Your Child Stay Afloat is reprinted with permission from Empowering Parents.
Many kids lose steam by the time the middle of the school year arrives. It’s very common for children and teens to get back to school after the holidays and hit a slump. Remember, kids are kids: their attention span is short, they're impulsive and it can be difficult for them to focus. It's easy for children to lose energy, and when that happens, a kind of lethargy can set in.
If your child has a learning disability, or performance or behavior problems, this issue becomes magnified. Your child might feel as if he’s fallen into a hole and doesn’t know how to climb back out. (That hole can be caused by missed work, not understanding certain concepts at school, or social problems, among other things.) When your child is in that hole, it’s easy for him to become demoralized, act out more or withdraw emotionally. Often, he won’t ask for help even though he desperately needs it, and soon you’ll see his output start to slow down.
Although this can occur with any child, make no mistake, for kids with behavior problems or learning disabilities, this is a very serious challenge to their stability for the rest of the school year. As a parent, it’s very important for you to address the problem quickly and get your child back on track before he becomes completely derailed.
By the way, while grades usually go down in a gradual slide, if your child’s performance deteriorates suddenly, it’s important for you to realize that something major may be happening, whether it’s substance abuse, bullying, or an equally serious issue. If your child’s grades drop off suddenly, that's a signal to have him assessed by a professional.
My Child’s Attitude is Going Downhill—Along with His Grades
You should be very concerned if you notice your child’s attitude has changed for the worse along with his falling grades. When a child's attitude becomes bad, you can safely assume certain things may be going on:
There may be a problem he's not talking about.
He may be doing something that he doesn't want anyone to know about.
He may be getting deeper into trouble without help.
Again, kids cannot climb out of that hole on their own—they simply don't know how. In fact, a lot of adults don’t either; people get themselves into emotional holes all the time in life. In my opinion, the idea that everyone should be able to pull themselves up by their bootstraps is misleading. Few indeed are equipped to do that—least of all, kids.
Falling through the Cracks Academically
Sometimes kids fall through the cracks at school because they’re having a hard time academically. Suddenly, the work becomes too challenging, and their classmates seem to pull ahead while they’re still trying to understand a certain concept. Their attitude may worsen because they really can't do the work. And it's easy to fall through the cracks nowadays—and by the way, those cracks are huge—because of tightening school budgets and other major problems schools are facing.
As a parent, you really need to have a good understanding of what your child is capable of doing. Remember, we want to challenge our kids but we don't want them to simply learn how to give up. If your child truly can't do the work, then your job is to get in there and challenge the teacher and the school to give your child work at his level—or get him placed in the right class. Parents should also be aware of those subjects, like algebra, where if you miss one core concept, you may be in trouble for the rest of the school year.
Try to be as objective as possible. I urge parents to be very, very careful when trying to accurately assess their child’s abilities. There's a concept called “learned helplessness”—where people learn that if they act helpless, somebody else will do it for them. Above all, we don't want to foster that response in our kids. Truly understanding what your child’s level is can be very tricky, which is why I recommend getting some outside help when you do it.
Here are some things I recommend parents do to get their kids back on track when they’re sinking under the waves at school:
Get an Assessment
If your child’s grades have fallen suddenly, the first thing I’d suggest is to have them assessed by a professional. If a kid's grades go from an “A” to a “D,” that usually doesn't happen in isolation. There will be other signs, red flags that will tell you that something's going on. You might notice that your child has stopped doing the sports that he used to love, or that he’s hanging around with different friends, for example. Start by taking your child to his pediatrician and getting a recommendation for a professional therapist to rule out substance abuse, depression, clinical anxiety or other factors that may be affecting his performance and outlook.
Helping Your Child Manage His Schoolwork
If you’ve noticed your child’s grades are suffering, it’s critical that you put more effort into helping him manage his homework. I know it’s not always easy—everyone is tired at the end of the day, and parents work hard and want to relax, too. Sometimes your child will act as if he doesn’t want you coming into his room, but check in anyway to see how things are going. Don’t assume he understands everything on his own, even if he tells you he’s fine.
Kids need structure and supervision, and they need somebody looking in on them who will hold them accountable. If your child’s grades start sliding, don’t let him do his homework in his room by himself with the door closed and the music on. That's simply got to stop. The door stays open, the music stays off, and you should be looking in on him every fifteen minutes or so. The goal is to keep him on track.
Talk to Your Child’s Teachers
Parents should be talking to teachers about the subjects and areas where their child is having problems. Schedule a time to meet and find out what's going on in class. In my experience, teachers can often be very helpful in telling you what they’ve observed.
Tell the teacher what you see at home, and then ask what they see happening in their classroom. Some questions for you to ask are:
Has participation dropped off?
Is my child sitting with different kids? Who is he hanging out with?
Is my child just tired and bored, or is he overwhelmed by the work?
Have you seen a change in his attitude or performance? And how would you describe that change?
If your child's grades start to fall in one specific subject, find out what extra help is available from the school. He should start to focus more on that subject in the evenings at home. Hold him accountable to do a certain amount of work. And work with his teachers, guidance counselors and the school as much as possible. The better your communication is with them, the more it will help your child.
Ask “What” Questions, Not “Why” Questions When You Talk with Your Child
I think it’s a good idea to sit down and have a talk with your child when you realize he’s struggling at school. You can say, “I notice that things are going downhill and I'm wondering what's going on.” Ask “what” questions, not “why” questions. “Why” questions invite your child to make excuses—to blame someone or something for his problems. “What” questions ask your child to report the facts. So it’s not, “Why are you doing poorly at school?” it’s, “What’s going on?”
You can also tell your child what you’ve observed: “I see your grades failing, I see you being more irritable. You don't want to get out of bed in the morning. You're getting detention for silly things in school, like talking out of turn. These are the things I'm seeing and I’m wondering what's going on.” If your child denies that anything is happening, say, “What are you going to do to improve your grades?” Listen to see if he has any ideas. By the way, you should already have a plan that says, “We're going to be checking on your homework more and we want you putting more time into it.”
Make the conversation with your child functional, not emotional. Too many parents get bogged down in emotionality. Kids do better when they keep their feelings out of it. After all, their emotions are volatile: they love you, they hate you; they're happy, they're angry. So you want to keep it on a functional level and ask, “What’s getting in the way of you doing your work? What's going on? And how are you going to change it?”
Giving Your Child Rewards for School Performance
I know families who let their kids do their homework in their rooms as long as they get a “B” or above. If their grades slip, they have to do their homework at the dining room table until they bring them up again. For some kids, that means they also have to do an extra hour of homework a night, but then they’re allowed to stay up half-an-hour later so they still get some free time. That’s part of their reward for doing the work.
When my son was in high school, I would tell him if he got all “A's” and “B's” I'd give him a cool reward. If he didn’t get the grades, he wouldn’t get anything. We didn’t make a big deal out of it, and we didn’t punish him if he wasn’t able to do it.
Remember, kids need to be rewarded; they need to be motivated. As parents, we're taking and we're giving; we’re demanding but we're supporting. It's like a sandwich: on top there's the pressure for your child to perform, and underneath there's support with rewards and extra help.
I also want to say that while rewards are helpful, the absence of rewards is not causing the problem. Rewards don't change behavior: learning problem-solving skills and being held accountable changes behavior. Having a concrete plan and sticking to it changes behavior.
When we talk about grades sliding and kids falling behind at school, it sounds simple but it’s a very complex thing—and something that parents struggle with every day all over the country. My wife and I wrestled with this issue as parents, and we both had Masters Degrees in Social Work and worked with kids for a living. My point is that it’s natural to wonder, “Are the demands too much for my child? Are they enough for him? Or are we taking it too easy on him?” In my opinion, parents who make it a priority to get involved—and then take steps to help their child—are doing them a huge service.
A final word: Kids are resilient. If you help your child and he’s able to get back on track and do the work, in all likelihood he’ll bounce back at school. I believe kids have strengths that aren't easily observable unless you know how to look for them. As a parent, you need to find that resiliency, find that strength in your child, and work with it.
Sinking Fast at School: How to Help Your Child Stay Afloat is reprinted with permission from Empowering Parents.
Friday, June 18, 2010
How to Stop Fighting in School and at Home with These 7 Tools
James discusses exactly what to do when your children get in trouble for fighting at school or at home—and the right kinds of consequences to give them so they learn to use appropriate behavior instead of lashing out when they feel like hitting someone the next time. Read on to find out the steps you can take toward resolving the problem of fighting at school, plus get advice on how to handle fights that break out between siblings at home!
When your children use fighting or other negative physical behavior as their main coping skills, you’ll find that it usually doesn’t stop at home—they will use it at school, in the neighborhood, on the ball field or at the mall. If your son uses physical fighting, for example, or your daughter uses verbal abuse in place of the problem-solving skills they need to learn in order to function successfully as adults—skills like communication, negotiation and compromise—make no mistake, you need to address this problem immediately. If you don’t, understand that it’s as if your children will be entering the world with a couple of hammers to handle their problems, when what they really need is a wide range of sophisticated tools in order to be successful.
How to Handle Fighting at School and at Home: 7 Tools You Can Use Today
When your child is disciplined at school for getting into a fight, I think the absolute best thing you can do is first find out from the school exactly what happened. That way, you’ll have a framework for your eventual discussion with your child.
In my opinion, the most effective way to handle news about fighting at school is to do the following:
1. Give Your Child Time to Transition:
When your child gets home, give him ten minutes to reorient to the house. Let him have his snack or listen to some music. Don’t challenge him immediately, because transition is difficult for people of all ages, and it is not a time to deal with any issues at all. For instance, if a child acts out at the mall, or there’s a problem with the next door neighbors, when you get him back in the house, give him ten minutes before you talk with him. The time to talk about any episode is not right when he gets home. It’s hard for people to process emotions during transitions. Rather, the time to talk about it is ten minutes later, after your child has calmed down.
2. Be Direct and Don’t Trap Him:
When you talk, try to avoid blaming, tricking or trapping your child. Instead, be very direct and straightforward; put the facts out there. “I spoke to the school today and they were concerned. Would you like to tell me what happened?” Don’t try to trap your child by saying things like, “Did anything happen at school today that you want to talk about?” Over time, trick or “trap” questions will increase your child's anxiety and make him not trust you, because he will never know what you're going to confront him with.
3. Listen to What He Has to Say—Even If He’s Wrong:
Let your child tell you the whole story first, if he's willing to talk. Don't cut him off halfway through by saying, “Well, that's not what they said.” If you do that, you're never going to hear his side of the story. By the way, your child’s account may not be accurate or honest, and his perceptions may not be valid. But the bottom line is that if you hear the whole story, at least then you've got something comprehensive to work with.
If you stop your child when he sounds like he's not telling the truth, you may miss the point that shines light on the fact that it's a matter of different perceptions. Often, a child’s perceptions aren't the same as an adult’s—and you won't learn that unless you hear the whole story. By the way, these misperceptions will need to be corrected. So encourage your child to talk.
4. Use Active Listening Methods:
When you say, “The school called me today about a fight. Can you tell me what happened?” your child may tell you something, or he may not. If he decides to talk, let him tell you as much as he can. Always use statements such as, “Uh huh.”“Tell me more.” “I see.” and “What happened next?” Those are active listening methods that get kids to talk more and be comfortable. Don't forget, our goal is not to intimidate or punish. Our goal is to investigate and learn information. On the other hand, if he refuses to talk about what happened, I recommend that he not be allowed to play, watch TV, use electronics, or do anything else until he’s ready to talk.
When you are talking with your child, if he gets stuck for a minute, repeat back what you’ve heard him saying in this manner: “So what I hear you saying is, Jared came and kicked you today for no reason, so you hit him. Is that right?” Get it straight so that you're both on the same page. When your child is done, ask, “Did the school punish you?” and then ask how. Let him tell you what the school did and then say, “OK, when I spoke to the school, this is what they told me.” First, start with the points your child and the school agreed on. “They did say you and Jared were having an argument and that it was almost lunch time.” Or “They did say that Michael was being rude to you in the cafeteria and that he was teasing you about the shirt you wore today.”
5. Avoid Using the Word “But”:
Here’s an important rule of thumb—when disagreeing with your child or wanting to point out something to him, avoid using the word “but”—use a word like “and” instead. Understand that the word “but” cuts down on communication, because it really means, “Now I'm going to tell you where you were wrong,” This simply sets up a kid’s defenses. For example, if you say, “You did a nice job cleaning your room today, but…” he knows something negative is coming. “But it still smells in there.” That’s not as helpful as saying, “You did a nice job cleaning your room, and now I’d like you to spray it with room deodorizer.” You’ll get the same result, but you’re doing it in a more affirmative, pleasant way.
So you can say, “I heard about what Michael said to you…and the teacher also said that he heard Michael say insulting things about your shirt. And then the teacher told you to go to the lunch counter, and said that he would take care of Michael for you. Instead, you chose to curse at Michael and started walking toward him in a threatening way. What were you trying to accomplish when you cursed at Michael and walked in his direction?” Keep probing, trying to find out what he wanted to accomplish. Most importantly, you want your child to make an admission about what happened so he can learn from it.
One of the things you want to do if you can is point out the exact moment when your child’s problem-solving skills stopped working, because that’s the point where the learning can take place. If your son says, “I started walking toward Michael because he was being mean to me,” you can respond, “You know, you were right that he was being mean and you were right to get angry, but if the teacher says he’s going to take care of it, you have to stop or you’ll get into trouble. If somebody insulted my clothes or called me names, I wouldn’t like it either. So I understand.”
6. When Talking with the School about Consequences:
Find out what the school’s usual consequences are for fighting when you talk with them. If they ask you, “What do you think we should do?” I think you should say, “Well, what are the standard consequences for this behavior? Is there any reason why you shouldn’t follow them? I think you should follow your policy.”
Let me be clear here: anything that your child does that is physically aggressive, physically abusive, or verbally abusive should be followed up at home with a discussion and possible consequence. (Any functional problem—running in the hall, chewing gum, throwing something—should be handled by the school. It’s their job to manage routine behavior.)
The reason you have to challenge the more disruptive behaviors at home is because home is the place where you have the time to teach him about alternatives. If it’s the first time, help him figure out where his coping skills broke down, and then work with him on coming up with some appropriate ones. On the other hand, if this is the second time this has happened at school, not only should you talk about where his skills broke down, but there should be a consequence to keep him accountable. That consequence could include any task that you think would be helpful to his learning about the situation for the amount of time it takes him to complete it. So grounding him for six hours is not helpful, but having him write ten things he could do differently next time is helpful.
If your child is suspended from school, I recommend that he loses all his privileges and electronics until he’s off suspension. That timeline is easy; the school has already set it for you. Remember, if your child is suspended to home, then you put the keyboard, the cable box, the iPod and the cell phone in the back of your car when you go to work.
And here's how I recommend that parents deal with siblings fighting at home:
7. How to Handle Fighting at Home:
Fighting at home differs from fighting in school for a parent because if you weren't there when the fight started, the reality is, there's no way to tell who's telling the truth—or if in fact there is a truth. Remember, if two kids with distorted perceptions get into a physical fight, there may not be a truth; there might just be their distorted perceptions compounded by the absence of communication and problem-solving skills. Either way, if you weren’t there to see the fight start, the best way to deal with it is to give both kids the same consequence and learning lesson. To begin with, meet with each child briefly to get their perceptions. Then give each kid the same consequence and learning lesson, no matter who you think was responsible for starting it. So that might be, “You will both go to your rooms until you write three paragraphs (depending upon how old your child is) on what you're going to do differently next time.” Or “Each of you has to go and write an apology to your brother. Until it’s done, you both stay in your rooms.” If your kids share a room, then send one to the kitchen. Separating them is important because not only will it stop the fight, it will help your kids calm down.
With younger kids, they can be sent to their room for a while to play on their own. And with older kids, let them listen to music in their rooms. The idea is that they should calm down and then write their essays. (With younger kids who can’t write yet, you might just have them tell you what they will do differently next time.) By the way, each child should be dealt with separately, regarding how they respond to the consequence. So if one child is resistant and defiant and the other is not, that's taken into consideration, in terms of how long they have to stay in their rooms or go without privileges.
Understand that your kids may have another fight an hour later, and they might have to go back in their rooms again and again. The important thing here is that when they write those apologies or alternative behaviors, the part of their mind that’s trying to solve problems and learn how to communicate better is beginning to work. Part of any learning experience is to get that area of the mind—the learning, problem-solving, communicating area of the mind—working. It's like exercising: as long as your body is doing push-ups, your muscles are going to get bigger. When you stop doing push-ups, those muscles don't get bigger anymore. And certainly, if you want to teach your child how to communicate and problem solve, you have to use those situations as much as you can. Think of it as practice for the future—you are helping your kids build muscles that will help them behave appropriately for the rest of their lives.
Whenever possible, build on past successes. What has the child done in this type of situation that worked for him in the past? You can ask, “Yesterday your brother was annoying to you, but you didn’t hit him then. What made today different? It seemed like you handled it great yesterday. What did you do then that you didn’t do today? What did you say to control yourself? How is this different?” Pointing out a previous success in a similar situation can provide insight and direction for the future, and that’s exactly what you want to give your child.
How to Stop Fighting in School and at Home with These 7 Tools is reprinted with permission from Empowering Parents.
When your children use fighting or other negative physical behavior as their main coping skills, you’ll find that it usually doesn’t stop at home—they will use it at school, in the neighborhood, on the ball field or at the mall. If your son uses physical fighting, for example, or your daughter uses verbal abuse in place of the problem-solving skills they need to learn in order to function successfully as adults—skills like communication, negotiation and compromise—make no mistake, you need to address this problem immediately. If you don’t, understand that it’s as if your children will be entering the world with a couple of hammers to handle their problems, when what they really need is a wide range of sophisticated tools in order to be successful.
How to Handle Fighting at School and at Home: 7 Tools You Can Use Today
When your child is disciplined at school for getting into a fight, I think the absolute best thing you can do is first find out from the school exactly what happened. That way, you’ll have a framework for your eventual discussion with your child.
In my opinion, the most effective way to handle news about fighting at school is to do the following:
1. Give Your Child Time to Transition:
When your child gets home, give him ten minutes to reorient to the house. Let him have his snack or listen to some music. Don’t challenge him immediately, because transition is difficult for people of all ages, and it is not a time to deal with any issues at all. For instance, if a child acts out at the mall, or there’s a problem with the next door neighbors, when you get him back in the house, give him ten minutes before you talk with him. The time to talk about any episode is not right when he gets home. It’s hard for people to process emotions during transitions. Rather, the time to talk about it is ten minutes later, after your child has calmed down.
2. Be Direct and Don’t Trap Him:
When you talk, try to avoid blaming, tricking or trapping your child. Instead, be very direct and straightforward; put the facts out there. “I spoke to the school today and they were concerned. Would you like to tell me what happened?” Don’t try to trap your child by saying things like, “Did anything happen at school today that you want to talk about?” Over time, trick or “trap” questions will increase your child's anxiety and make him not trust you, because he will never know what you're going to confront him with.
3. Listen to What He Has to Say—Even If He’s Wrong:
Let your child tell you the whole story first, if he's willing to talk. Don't cut him off halfway through by saying, “Well, that's not what they said.” If you do that, you're never going to hear his side of the story. By the way, your child’s account may not be accurate or honest, and his perceptions may not be valid. But the bottom line is that if you hear the whole story, at least then you've got something comprehensive to work with.
If you stop your child when he sounds like he's not telling the truth, you may miss the point that shines light on the fact that it's a matter of different perceptions. Often, a child’s perceptions aren't the same as an adult’s—and you won't learn that unless you hear the whole story. By the way, these misperceptions will need to be corrected. So encourage your child to talk.
4. Use Active Listening Methods:
When you say, “The school called me today about a fight. Can you tell me what happened?” your child may tell you something, or he may not. If he decides to talk, let him tell you as much as he can. Always use statements such as, “Uh huh.”“Tell me more.” “I see.” and “What happened next?” Those are active listening methods that get kids to talk more and be comfortable. Don't forget, our goal is not to intimidate or punish. Our goal is to investigate and learn information. On the other hand, if he refuses to talk about what happened, I recommend that he not be allowed to play, watch TV, use electronics, or do anything else until he’s ready to talk.
When you are talking with your child, if he gets stuck for a minute, repeat back what you’ve heard him saying in this manner: “So what I hear you saying is, Jared came and kicked you today for no reason, so you hit him. Is that right?” Get it straight so that you're both on the same page. When your child is done, ask, “Did the school punish you?” and then ask how. Let him tell you what the school did and then say, “OK, when I spoke to the school, this is what they told me.” First, start with the points your child and the school agreed on. “They did say you and Jared were having an argument and that it was almost lunch time.” Or “They did say that Michael was being rude to you in the cafeteria and that he was teasing you about the shirt you wore today.”
5. Avoid Using the Word “But”:
Here’s an important rule of thumb—when disagreeing with your child or wanting to point out something to him, avoid using the word “but”—use a word like “and” instead. Understand that the word “but” cuts down on communication, because it really means, “Now I'm going to tell you where you were wrong,” This simply sets up a kid’s defenses. For example, if you say, “You did a nice job cleaning your room today, but…” he knows something negative is coming. “But it still smells in there.” That’s not as helpful as saying, “You did a nice job cleaning your room, and now I’d like you to spray it with room deodorizer.” You’ll get the same result, but you’re doing it in a more affirmative, pleasant way.
So you can say, “I heard about what Michael said to you…and the teacher also said that he heard Michael say insulting things about your shirt. And then the teacher told you to go to the lunch counter, and said that he would take care of Michael for you. Instead, you chose to curse at Michael and started walking toward him in a threatening way. What were you trying to accomplish when you cursed at Michael and walked in his direction?” Keep probing, trying to find out what he wanted to accomplish. Most importantly, you want your child to make an admission about what happened so he can learn from it.
One of the things you want to do if you can is point out the exact moment when your child’s problem-solving skills stopped working, because that’s the point where the learning can take place. If your son says, “I started walking toward Michael because he was being mean to me,” you can respond, “You know, you were right that he was being mean and you were right to get angry, but if the teacher says he’s going to take care of it, you have to stop or you’ll get into trouble. If somebody insulted my clothes or called me names, I wouldn’t like it either. So I understand.”
6. When Talking with the School about Consequences:
Find out what the school’s usual consequences are for fighting when you talk with them. If they ask you, “What do you think we should do?” I think you should say, “Well, what are the standard consequences for this behavior? Is there any reason why you shouldn’t follow them? I think you should follow your policy.”
Let me be clear here: anything that your child does that is physically aggressive, physically abusive, or verbally abusive should be followed up at home with a discussion and possible consequence. (Any functional problem—running in the hall, chewing gum, throwing something—should be handled by the school. It’s their job to manage routine behavior.)
The reason you have to challenge the more disruptive behaviors at home is because home is the place where you have the time to teach him about alternatives. If it’s the first time, help him figure out where his coping skills broke down, and then work with him on coming up with some appropriate ones. On the other hand, if this is the second time this has happened at school, not only should you talk about where his skills broke down, but there should be a consequence to keep him accountable. That consequence could include any task that you think would be helpful to his learning about the situation for the amount of time it takes him to complete it. So grounding him for six hours is not helpful, but having him write ten things he could do differently next time is helpful.
If your child is suspended from school, I recommend that he loses all his privileges and electronics until he’s off suspension. That timeline is easy; the school has already set it for you. Remember, if your child is suspended to home, then you put the keyboard, the cable box, the iPod and the cell phone in the back of your car when you go to work.
And here's how I recommend that parents deal with siblings fighting at home:
7. How to Handle Fighting at Home:
Fighting at home differs from fighting in school for a parent because if you weren't there when the fight started, the reality is, there's no way to tell who's telling the truth—or if in fact there is a truth. Remember, if two kids with distorted perceptions get into a physical fight, there may not be a truth; there might just be their distorted perceptions compounded by the absence of communication and problem-solving skills. Either way, if you weren’t there to see the fight start, the best way to deal with it is to give both kids the same consequence and learning lesson. To begin with, meet with each child briefly to get their perceptions. Then give each kid the same consequence and learning lesson, no matter who you think was responsible for starting it. So that might be, “You will both go to your rooms until you write three paragraphs (depending upon how old your child is) on what you're going to do differently next time.” Or “Each of you has to go and write an apology to your brother. Until it’s done, you both stay in your rooms.” If your kids share a room, then send one to the kitchen. Separating them is important because not only will it stop the fight, it will help your kids calm down.
With younger kids, they can be sent to their room for a while to play on their own. And with older kids, let them listen to music in their rooms. The idea is that they should calm down and then write their essays. (With younger kids who can’t write yet, you might just have them tell you what they will do differently next time.) By the way, each child should be dealt with separately, regarding how they respond to the consequence. So if one child is resistant and defiant and the other is not, that's taken into consideration, in terms of how long they have to stay in their rooms or go without privileges.
Understand that your kids may have another fight an hour later, and they might have to go back in their rooms again and again. The important thing here is that when they write those apologies or alternative behaviors, the part of their mind that’s trying to solve problems and learn how to communicate better is beginning to work. Part of any learning experience is to get that area of the mind—the learning, problem-solving, communicating area of the mind—working. It's like exercising: as long as your body is doing push-ups, your muscles are going to get bigger. When you stop doing push-ups, those muscles don't get bigger anymore. And certainly, if you want to teach your child how to communicate and problem solve, you have to use those situations as much as you can. Think of it as practice for the future—you are helping your kids build muscles that will help them behave appropriately for the rest of their lives.
Whenever possible, build on past successes. What has the child done in this type of situation that worked for him in the past? You can ask, “Yesterday your brother was annoying to you, but you didn’t hit him then. What made today different? It seemed like you handled it great yesterday. What did you do then that you didn’t do today? What did you say to control yourself? How is this different?” Pointing out a previous success in a similar situation can provide insight and direction for the future, and that’s exactly what you want to give your child.
How to Stop Fighting in School and at Home with These 7 Tools is reprinted with permission from Empowering Parents.
Sunday, May 23, 2010
5 Homework Strategies that Work for Kids
We ever have problem how to resolve nightly homework. Are you trapped in a nightly homework struggle with your child? The list of excuses can seem endless: “I don’t have any homework today.” “My teacher never looks at my homework anyway.” “That assignment was optional.” “I did it at school.” If only your child could be that creative with their actual homework, getting good grades would be no problem!
Pre - teens and teens often insist they have no homework even when they do, or tell parents that they’ve completed their assignments at school when they haven’t. If your child’s grades are acceptable and you receive positive reports from their teachers, congratulations – your child is doing just fine. James Lehman advises that students who are doing well have earned the privilege of doing their homework whenever and however they see fit. But if their grades reflect missing assignments, or your child’s teachers tell you that they’re falling behind, you need to institute some new homework practices in your household. For those classes in which your child is doing poorly, they lose the privilege of doing homework in an unstructured way. For the classes they are doing well in, they can continue to do that homework on their own.
Trying to convince your child that grades are important can be a losing battle. You can’t make your child take school as seriously as you do; the truth is, they don’t typically think that way. Remember, as James says, it’s not that they aren’t motivated, it’s that they’re motivated to do what they want to do. In order to get your child to do their homework, you have to focus on their behavior, not their motivation. So instead of giving them a lecture, focus on their behavior and their homework skills. Let them know that completing homework and getting passing grades are not optional.
If you’re facing the rest of the school year with dread and irritation, you’re not alone. By following the tips below, you can improve your child’s homework skills and reduce your frustration!
5 Strategies to Get Homework Back On Track
Schedule Daily Homework Time
If your child often says they have no homework but their grades are poor, they may not be telling you accurate information, they may have completely tuned out their teacher’s instructions, or need to improve some other organizations skills, for example. The Total Transformation Program recommends that whether your child has homework or not, create a mandatory homework time each school day for those classes in which you child is doing poorly.
Use the “10-Minute Rule" formulated by the National PTA and the National Education Association, which recommends that kids should be doing about 10 minutes of homework per night per grade level. In other words, 10 minutes for first-graders, 20 for second-graders and so forth.
It will be most effective if you choose the same time every day. For example, you might schedule homework time for the classes that your child is doing poorly in to begin at 4:00 p.m. every school day. If your child says they have no homework in those subjects, then they can spend that time reading ahead in their textbooks, making up missed work, working on extra credit projects, or studying for tests. If they say “I forgot my books at school,” have them read a book related to one of their subjects. By making study time a priority, you will sidestep all those excuses and claims of “no homework today.” If your child has to spend a few days doing “busy work” during the daily homework time, you may even find that they bring home more actual assignments!
Use a Public Space
It’s important to monitor your child’s homework time. For families where both parents work, you may need to schedule it in the evening. In many instances it may be more productive to have your child do their homework in a public space. That means the living room or the kitchen, or some place equally public where you can easily check in on them. Let them know they can ask for help if they need it, but allow them to do their own work. If your child would like to do his or her homework in their room, let them know that they can earn that privilege back when they have pulled up the grades in the subjects in which they are doing poorly.
Use Daily Incentives
Let your child know that they will have access to privileges when they have completed their homework. For example, you might say, “Once you’ve completed your homework time, you are free to use your electronics or see your friends.” Be clear with your child about the consequences for refusing to study, or for putting their work off until later. According to James Lehman, consequences should be short term, and should fit the “crime.” You might say, “If you choose not to study during the scheduled time, you will lose your electronics for the night. Tomorrow, you’ll get another chance to use them.” The next day, your child gets to try again – observing her homework time and earning her privileges. Don’t take away privileges for more than a day, as your child will have no incentive to do better the next time.
Work towards Something Bigger
Remember, kids don’t place as much importance on schoolwork as you do. As you focus on their behavior, not their motivation, you should begin to see some improvement in their homework skills. You can use your child’s motivation to your advantage if they have something they’d like to earn. For example, if your child would like to get his driver’s permit, you might encourage him to earn that privilege by showing you he can complete his homework appropriately. You might say, “In order to feel comfortable letting you drive, I need to see that you can follow rules, even when you don’t agree with them. When you can show me that you can complete your homework appropriately, I’d be happy to sit down and talk with you about getting your permit.” If your child starts complaining about the homework rule, you can say, “I know you want to get that driver’s permit. You need to show me you can follow a simple rule before I’ll even talk to you about it. Get going on that homework.” By doing this, you sidestep all the arguments around both the homework and the permit.
Skills + Practice = Success
Tying homework compliance with your child’s desires isn’t about having your child jump through hoops in order to get something they want. It’s not even about making them take something seriously, when they don’t see it that way. It’s about helping your child learn the skills they need to live life successfully. All of us need to learn how to complete things we don’t want to do. We all have occasions where we have to follow a rule, even when we disagree with it. When you create mandatory, daily homework time, you help your child practice these skills. When you tie that homework time to daily, practical incentives, you encourage your child to succeed.
If you are a Total Transformation customer, you can access our Support Line for help with these and other challenges you’re experiencing with your child. Support Line specialists have helped hundreds of parents customize homework charts and plans, and we can help you, too. Specialists can also work with you to formulate realistic, appropriate consequences to help enforce the daily routine.
5 Homework Strategies that Work for Kids is reprinted with permission from Empowering Parents.
Pre - teens and teens often insist they have no homework even when they do, or tell parents that they’ve completed their assignments at school when they haven’t. If your child’s grades are acceptable and you receive positive reports from their teachers, congratulations – your child is doing just fine. James Lehman advises that students who are doing well have earned the privilege of doing their homework whenever and however they see fit. But if their grades reflect missing assignments, or your child’s teachers tell you that they’re falling behind, you need to institute some new homework practices in your household. For those classes in which your child is doing poorly, they lose the privilege of doing homework in an unstructured way. For the classes they are doing well in, they can continue to do that homework on their own.
Trying to convince your child that grades are important can be a losing battle. You can’t make your child take school as seriously as you do; the truth is, they don’t typically think that way. Remember, as James says, it’s not that they aren’t motivated, it’s that they’re motivated to do what they want to do. In order to get your child to do their homework, you have to focus on their behavior, not their motivation. So instead of giving them a lecture, focus on their behavior and their homework skills. Let them know that completing homework and getting passing grades are not optional.
If you’re facing the rest of the school year with dread and irritation, you’re not alone. By following the tips below, you can improve your child’s homework skills and reduce your frustration!
5 Strategies to Get Homework Back On Track
Schedule Daily Homework Time
If your child often says they have no homework but their grades are poor, they may not be telling you accurate information, they may have completely tuned out their teacher’s instructions, or need to improve some other organizations skills, for example. The Total Transformation Program recommends that whether your child has homework or not, create a mandatory homework time each school day for those classes in which you child is doing poorly.
Use the “10-Minute Rule" formulated by the National PTA and the National Education Association, which recommends that kids should be doing about 10 minutes of homework per night per grade level. In other words, 10 minutes for first-graders, 20 for second-graders and so forth.
It will be most effective if you choose the same time every day. For example, you might schedule homework time for the classes that your child is doing poorly in to begin at 4:00 p.m. every school day. If your child says they have no homework in those subjects, then they can spend that time reading ahead in their textbooks, making up missed work, working on extra credit projects, or studying for tests. If they say “I forgot my books at school,” have them read a book related to one of their subjects. By making study time a priority, you will sidestep all those excuses and claims of “no homework today.” If your child has to spend a few days doing “busy work” during the daily homework time, you may even find that they bring home more actual assignments!
Use a Public Space
It’s important to monitor your child’s homework time. For families where both parents work, you may need to schedule it in the evening. In many instances it may be more productive to have your child do their homework in a public space. That means the living room or the kitchen, or some place equally public where you can easily check in on them. Let them know they can ask for help if they need it, but allow them to do their own work. If your child would like to do his or her homework in their room, let them know that they can earn that privilege back when they have pulled up the grades in the subjects in which they are doing poorly.
Use Daily Incentives
Let your child know that they will have access to privileges when they have completed their homework. For example, you might say, “Once you’ve completed your homework time, you are free to use your electronics or see your friends.” Be clear with your child about the consequences for refusing to study, or for putting their work off until later. According to James Lehman, consequences should be short term, and should fit the “crime.” You might say, “If you choose not to study during the scheduled time, you will lose your electronics for the night. Tomorrow, you’ll get another chance to use them.” The next day, your child gets to try again – observing her homework time and earning her privileges. Don’t take away privileges for more than a day, as your child will have no incentive to do better the next time.
Work towards Something Bigger
Remember, kids don’t place as much importance on schoolwork as you do. As you focus on their behavior, not their motivation, you should begin to see some improvement in their homework skills. You can use your child’s motivation to your advantage if they have something they’d like to earn. For example, if your child would like to get his driver’s permit, you might encourage him to earn that privilege by showing you he can complete his homework appropriately. You might say, “In order to feel comfortable letting you drive, I need to see that you can follow rules, even when you don’t agree with them. When you can show me that you can complete your homework appropriately, I’d be happy to sit down and talk with you about getting your permit.” If your child starts complaining about the homework rule, you can say, “I know you want to get that driver’s permit. You need to show me you can follow a simple rule before I’ll even talk to you about it. Get going on that homework.” By doing this, you sidestep all the arguments around both the homework and the permit.
Skills + Practice = Success
Tying homework compliance with your child’s desires isn’t about having your child jump through hoops in order to get something they want. It’s not even about making them take something seriously, when they don’t see it that way. It’s about helping your child learn the skills they need to live life successfully. All of us need to learn how to complete things we don’t want to do. We all have occasions where we have to follow a rule, even when we disagree with it. When you create mandatory, daily homework time, you help your child practice these skills. When you tie that homework time to daily, practical incentives, you encourage your child to succeed.
If you are a Total Transformation customer, you can access our Support Line for help with these and other challenges you’re experiencing with your child. Support Line specialists have helped hundreds of parents customize homework charts and plans, and we can help you, too. Specialists can also work with you to formulate realistic, appropriate consequences to help enforce the daily routine.
5 Homework Strategies that Work for Kids is reprinted with permission from Empowering Parents.
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